Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole." "That's terrible!" she says. "You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie." |
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. |
The True Rules Of Golf
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As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not. "Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?" |
Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V." The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing. The voice comes back, "Never mind, hit a range ball." |
A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out. With a big smile, he asks the others "In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland." After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three." |
| Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole. Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well. This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says."Rabby, these balls cost me a pretty penny," Rabby replies "Och, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game, ya should nee be out here" |
A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world." The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence." |
A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box." The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box." The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot - approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!" To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!" |
A married couple played golf together everyday. One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee. He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly. She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her. They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head. The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball" The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this? The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went." |
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?" The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today." The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five." The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time." The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?" The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it." |
Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them. One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back. The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, "I can't go up there that's my wife and my mistress." So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, "Small world, huh?" |
Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He's playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, "Are you going to let this slide? Do something!" So God says, "Watch this." The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, "Why did you reward him?" God says, "Who is he gonna tell?" |
| Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place: 1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." 2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool." 3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" 4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?' And she said, "Wear your sweater". |
Two couples went out golfing together. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?" |
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In 1923, do you know who was: These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money. Now almost 80 years later, do you know what became of these men? In that same year, 1923, Gene Sarazen won most of the important golf championships, including both the US Open and PGA Championship. |
A very bad golfer is playing at new course and he is having a very bad day.
Most golfers prepare for disaster.A good golfer prepares for success. |
In my hand I hold a ball, By its size I could not guess My life has not been quite the same It has made me curse and cry. To master such a tiny ball It hooks and slices..dribbles..dies With miles of grass on which to land It's made me whimper like a pup, |
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A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off. Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals. Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup. Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet. Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills. Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day. When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter." Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks. After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him. He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet. An obviously tipsy Dave replayed "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!" |
Excuses For When You Must Play Golf! *A free round of golf was included with lessons. *There's free beer at the turn. * I bought a whole new golf wardrobe. * I got my new handicap card and want to show the guys at the club. |
Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inabilty to count past the number 5. If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone The greatest sound in golf is the Wosh, Wosh, Wosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway
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| Jimmy was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife" said Jimmy. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week." "Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!" |
Top Ten Signs You’ll Never Break 100
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10 Interesting Golf Facts 1. 125,000 golf balls a year are hit into the water at the famous 17th hole of the Stadium Course at Sawgrass. 2. The longest drive ever is 515 yards. The longest putt ever is a monstrous 375 feet. 3. Phil Mickelson, who plays left-handed, is actually right handed. He learned to play golf by mirroring his father's golf swing, and he has used left handed golf clubs ever since. 4. The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million. 5. Tiger Woods snagged his first ace at the tender age of eight. 7. The longest golf course in the world is the par 77 International Golf Club in Massachusetts which measures a fearsome 8325 yards. 8. The highest golf course in the world is the Tactu Golf Club in Morococha, Peru, which sits 14,335 feet above sea level at its lowest point. 9. The longest golf hole in the world is the 7th hole (par 7) of the Sano Course at the Satsuki Golf Club in Japan. It measures an incredible 909 yards. 10. The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the 585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey. |
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| He'd sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the woods. He followed after and found his ball...surrounded by thick undergrowth and wedged firmly between two tree roots. He contemplated the situation for a few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked "You know what shot I'm going to take here." "Yes, sir," replied the caddie as he took a hip flask of malt from the bag. |
Your a golfaholic if... You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when a more realistic goal would be to shoot your weight!
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A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish." The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me weeny a bit larger" "Wish granted." says the leprechaun, as he skips away. |
| Father O'Malley was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O'Malley's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover." The Father replied "It's the biggest dam I know." |
A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. The man sighs and says, "It's started . . " |
Rule Amendments A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
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David Feherty is a Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining /describing whatever is on his mind “That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.” “They don’t do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It ’s like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head.” “Fortunately, he (Rory McIlroy) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.” Jim Furyk’s swing - “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.” "That's a great shot, with that swing." "It's OK - the bunker stopped it." At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day "That was a great shot - if they had put the pin there today." "Everything moves except his bowels." "Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff." "That green appears smaller than a pygmie's nipple". |
| During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, so I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a very bad golfer." |
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Top Ten Signs You're Too Old
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Caddy Quips I was lying ten and had a 35' putt. |
| The forty-something business executive..and avid golfer, was browsing the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting ad from an attractive lady living in the same town he did. The ad read as follows... Slim, attractive, buxom blonde, 5'6" 125 lbs. successful in business, happy in life, no children (or desire to have them), enjoys traveling, pampering her man and the finer things in life. Seeks similar qualities in a partner for long term relationship. GOLFERS NEED NOT APPLY. |
"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife. |
| The older I get, the better I used to be. The three things an aging golfer loses ...his nerve, his memory and I can't remember the third thing. I'm going to die in a tournament on the golf course, they'll just throw me in a bunker and build it up a little A nice thing about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and a cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic. |
More Big Shooter Quotes If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. |
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing National Forests golf courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. |
Pro Shop Calls Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Staff: Golf course, may I help you? |
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, |
Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of is buddies to complete a foursome.
Dick says yes, watch him play. On the second hole par 3, this guy hits the ball in the lake, the two buddies looks at Dick again and say "you said this guy was good" Dick replies that this guy was a great player. |
| An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of intense meetings, he is exhausted. After work, he decides to go out and get some dinner and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after a few beers and some Sake, he's feeling a little frisky. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks, he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action. They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin- Wa! Shin-Wa!" The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room. The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it! | The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa! The CEO turns to him and says, "What you mean, wrong hole?" |
At dawn the telephone rings. What was the candle for?" |
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. Almost feel like a hybrid.. |
Golf Is... If you want to take long walks, take long walks |
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| A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!". |
| My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?" I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day; I haven't stopped." "Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I said, "Of course, what is it?" "Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you!" |
Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf buddies The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer!" Dick says,"Just watch him play." They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy takes two putts and makes an easy par. On the second hole par-3, he hits the ball into the lake.The two buddies look at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good" The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they tell Dick to dive into the lake to save his friend, because he's drowning, |
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde.
"I lied about my age", Bob replies. |
| Do you know that... When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker, His throat gets dry and he goes weak in the knees. And he begins to think irrationally.. Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a a new golf bag |
10 More Facts 10. The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the 585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey. 11. The largest golfing green is that of the 695-yard, 5th hole, a par 6 at the International Golf Club in Massachusetts, with an area in excess of 28,000 square feet. 12. The driver swing speed of an average lady golfer is 62 mph; 96 mph for an average LPGA professional; 84 mph for an average male golfer; 108 mph for an average PGA Tour player; 130 mph for Tiger Woods; 13. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. 14. The first golf balls were made of thin leather stuffed with feathers. Tightly-packed feathers made balls that flew the farthest. 15. The youngest golfer to shoot a hole-in-one was Coby Orr, who was five years old at the time. It happened in Littleton, Colorado, in 1975. 16. 22.8% of golfers are women. 17. Golf was banned in Scotland from 1457 to 1502 to ensure citizens wouldn't waste time when preparing for an English invasion. 18. The term birdie comes from an American named Ab Smith. While playing at the Atlantic City Golf Club in 1899, he played what he described as a "bird of a shot", which became "birdie" over time. 19. The word golf does not mean "Gentleman Only, Ladies Forbidden". This is an internet myth. It is thought the word golf comes from the Dutch word "kolf" or "kolve", meaning "club". Historians believe this was passed on to the Scottish, whose own dialect changed this to "golve," "gowl" or "gouf". By the sixteenth century, this had evolved into the word we know today. 20. Don't feel bad about your high handicap -80% of all golfers will never achieve a handicap of less than 18. |
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a rage, listing every problem they had in the last 15 years they've been married, and she goes on and on and on. Finally the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week, can you do that "? The husband says " I can bring her in Monday and Friday's, but on Wednesday's, I play golf! |
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A couple of elderly gents were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was playing yesterday when the fellow on the 9th hole hooked "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin.... |
| Jimmy Demaret and I had the best sports psychologist in the world. His name was Jack Daniels and he was waiting for us after every round |
Golf Truisms
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| The devil was holding a meeting with all the little demons. He stood up and said, "Well you poor useless lot of sissies, there is too much good in the world. You are all time wasters and you make me sick., You came to hell to help make man's life a misery. Instead you wasting your time playing silly games. So what are you going to do about it?" Well, just then a small devil quite new to the job and very timid, sheepishly said, "O'Lord of great darkness. I know I'm not as powerful as you but may I make a suggestion? It seems to me if we could build them up and knock them down, the pain would be so great that we will soon gain control." Just as he said that a more experienced demon said, "You mean golf?" The devil himself interrupts saying, "Steady on old man, we don't want to finish them off that quick." |
| Here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy. Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, 10 or an even dozen? During a discussion among the membership board at St. Andrews Golf Club in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 holes to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out... |
It's a heck of a lot harder to stay on top than it is to get there. - Tom Kite Nothing goes down slower than a golfers' handicap. - Bobby Nichols You know it is too wet to golf when your cart capsizes. - Anonymous The reason The Road hole at St Andrews is the most difficult par 4 in the world is that it was designed as a par 6. -Ben Crenshaw- I lost a ball in the rough today. I dropped another ball over my shoulder and lost it too. And while looking for that one, I lost my caddie. If I ever reach a par 5 in two, they change it to a par 4. -Fred Funk- Golfers just love punishment. And that's where I come in. |
| For months the archaeologists had been toiling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place's extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be…a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of sculptures and paintings of human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters. The next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club of the Lost City. And yes, it was soon learned that the tribes did have legends of the Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy. While watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter,a Professor murmured wistfully, "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery". The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied. "Simple", was the translation, "they could not afford the green fees.” |
| One day a golfer brought his regular golfing buddies together, and gave them each $50,000 cash and instructed them that upon his death, they were to throw it into the coffin, because he wanted to take it with him. As luck would have it, he died soon after. When the funeral was over, his buddies met. The doctor in the group said "I have a confession to make. I put in an empty envelope and I used the money to buy equipment for the free clinic." The priest said "Me too, only I used the money to help build the youth center." Somewhat shocked, the last member of the group, a lawyer, said "I can't believe you guys went back on your word." They asked him if he actually put the $50,000 in the coffin. He replied "I most certainly did....with my very own personal check." |
The Latest Golf "How To's"
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| A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. He took another mighty swing with his 3-wood and the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him on the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" And he replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?" |
| In the 16th century, most everything was transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizer, so largeshipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because it weighedless but once water hit it, fermentation began which produced methane gasas a by-product. The manure was stored in bundles below deck and once wet with sea water, methane began to build up. The first time someone came below at night with a lantern.... BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what had happened. Afterwards, the bundles of manure were stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" which directed the crew to stow it in the upper decks so that any water that came into the hold would not reach this volatile cargo and produce the explosive gas. Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is still in use today. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term |
| Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I ever played." Caddie: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that over an hour ago" Golfer: "Well, I've never played this badly before" Caddie: "I didn't realize that you had played before, sir" Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It is annoying." Caddie: "This isn't a watch, sir. It is a compass." |
| man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!" The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness,this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts." |
THE 1O COMMANDMENTS OF GOLF THOU SHALT NOT covet thy neighbors putter. |
Top Ten Signs It’s Too Cold for Golf
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Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf buddies. The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer!" Dick says,"Just watch him play." They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy On the second hole par-3, he hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies look at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good" The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. Suddenly, an outstetched hand comes out of the water and Dick's buddies tell him to dive in to save his drowning friend. Dick replies "You don't understand, that just means he wants a 5 iron". |
| Lady Luck was seldom kind to Sam. Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love him; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups. His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive. Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course. Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds |
| Golf: A 5 mile walk punctuated with disappointments Fairway: An unfamiliar tract of closely mowed grass running from the tee to the green. Your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it Oxymoron: An easy par-3 Practice Tee: A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice Mulligan: Invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 20-yard grounder |
A young man and a priest are playing together. |
| Fore!" is not an excuse. "So what?" is not an apology, and "Up yours" is not an explanation. |
Mac and Jimmy decided to get together one morning and play a round. Mac brought along his little black puppy. When Mac sank a twelve foot putt on the first hole, the puppy stood on his hind legs and began to dance, jump and bark. |
When I'm on the golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron. You don't know what pressure is until you've played for five dollars a Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money. Golf is the most fun I've had with my clothes on. |
| Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers. The soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls. After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less then eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole.. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball. "Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green" The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup. "You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win." The second guy responds, "You won't believe it either, you just hit my ball." |
Top Ten Signs You’re Choking
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| James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse. James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game?" The pro replied: "You should shortened your clubs by 1 inch." James asked if the pro thought this would help his game. To which the pro said, " No! It will help them fit in the trash can!" |
| In his prime, Seve Ballesteros was a very aggressive player knowing that he could take uncanny risks because of his incredible short game. He was an phenomenal putter. One time when asked by a writer to translate "lag putt" into Spanish, he thought for several moments then asked, "What is a lag putt?" |
| John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. Niether man trusted the other's arithmetic. One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,"What'd you have? Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. "Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself,. " No, no....a five." Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!" "Eight?" Bob said, "I couldn't have had eight." John said, "Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven." "Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob. John told him, "One stroke penalty, for improving your lie." |
| Golf is also a game of math. This formula will help your game, D=nxP2. This formula illustrates the odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching |
| For most of the round the golfer had argued with his caddy about club selection, but the caddy always prevailed. Finally on the 17th hole, a 185-yard par three into the wind, the caddy handed the golfer a 4-wood and the golfer reacted. "I think it's a 3-iron," said the golfer. "No, sir it's a 4-wood," said the caddy. "Nope, it's definitely a 3-iron." So the golfer set up, took the 3-iron back slowly, and struck the ball perfectly. It tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the green, and rolled up two feet short of the pin. "See," said the caddy. "I told you it wasn't enough club." |
| Mac invited his friend Jimmy to play at his new club. Since Jimmy had never played the course before, Mac pointed out the trouble spots and where to aim on the first hole. Jimmy teed up, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a vicious swing. He hit a foot behind the ball, tore up the teebox and totally missed the ball. Unphased he stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball. This time his swing missed everything. He stepped back from his ball again, looked at Mac and said, "Boy, this is really a tough course!" |
Among the more interesting rules at Willie Nelson personal Golf Club in Austin, Texas is that no more than 12 people are allowed in each foursome. |
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| Jimmy had been playing for twenty years but never had a hole-in-one. As he was blasting away in a sandtrap one day and he voiced the thought. "I'd give anything to get a hole-in-one." "Anything?" came a voice from behind. Jimmy turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with horns and a tail. "What did you have in mind?" Jimmy asked. "Would you give up half your sex life?"asked the devilish figure. "Yes, Yes I would." Jimmy replied. "It's a deal then." and the figure faded from sight. On the very next hole he did it! The ball soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole for his first ever hole-in-one. And amazingly, he aced every other hole that he played the rest of the day! At the end of the round, the figure in red appeared again. "Now for our bargain," he said. "You remember you must give up half your sex life." Jimmy frowned. "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said. "You're not backing out of this," cried the figure. "We struck a bargain and you agreed to it." "Yes, of course. But I do have a problem.Which half of my sex life do you want ... the thinking or the dreaming?" |
| Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at. The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing. My game is so bad I gotta hire three caddies. One to walk the left rough. One for the right and one for the middle. And the one in the middle doesn't have much to do. |
| A group of golfers were putting on the green when suddenly a ball dropped in their midst. One of the party winked at the others and kicked the ball into the hole. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face. He looked round distractedly and asked: "Seen my ball?" "Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with a straight face. The fat one looked at him unbelievingly. Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see. Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner the group on the green heard him shout: "Hey, Sam, I got an eleven." |
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