Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole."

"That's terrible!" she says.

"You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie."

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher...
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

The True Rules Of Golf

  • The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
  • If you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  • Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
  • When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  • Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
  • No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse
  • Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
  • When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
  • Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
  • If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
  • The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
  • The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
  • If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
  • It's not a gimme if you're still away.
  • Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
  • A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
  • It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
  • Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
  • Non chalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
  • The shortest distance beween any two points on a golf course is a
    straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
  • There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just
    the way you meant to play it.
  • You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch
    90% of the time.
  • Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  • If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
  • To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 300 mph.
  • There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
  • Hazards attract. Fairways repel.
  • You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
  • A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  • If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is the one in the bunker
  • If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
  • Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.


As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer.

At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.

"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"

Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V."

The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.

The voice comes back, "Never mind, hit a range ball."

A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents. He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out.

With a big smile, he asks the others "In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland."

After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, "Hitting three."

Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.

Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond.
He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls.

He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well.

This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says."Rabby, these balls cost me a pretty penny,"

Rabby replies "Och, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game,
ya should nee be out here"

A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world."

The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."

A man was addressing the ball when an announcement came over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man backs away, a little distracted, then approaches his ball again. As he does, the same announcement comes over the loud-speaker: "Will the gentleman on hole number one please not hit from the Ladies' tee box."

The man is getting irritated now, and after backing away from his shot - approaches his ball one more time. This time the announcement came: "We really need the gentleman on hole number one to move off of the Ladies' tee box!"

To which the man turns around and yells: "And I really need the announcer to shut up and let me play my second shot!"

A married couple played golf together everyday.

One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.

He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.

She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.

They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.

The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball"

The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?

The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went."

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I've been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.

One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.

The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, "I can't go up there that's my wife and my mistress."

So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, "Small world, huh?"

Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He's playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, "Are you going to let this slide? Do something!"

So God says, "Watch this."

The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, "Why did you reward him?"

God says, "Who is he gonna tell?"

Four married guys go golfing.

While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place: 1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."
3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.
What's the deal?"

4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'

And she said, "Wear your sweater".

Two couples went out golfing together.

The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while passing some gas rather loudly in the process.

No one commented.

She addressed the ball again but this time she passed just a little gas as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance.

She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"

One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf

  1. shaft is bent.
  2. After 18 holes I can barely walk
  3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
  4. Look at the size of his putter.
  5. Mind if I join your threesome?
  6. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
  7. Keep your head down and spread your legs a little more
  8. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
  9. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
  10. Hold up.....I need to wash my balls first.

In 1923, do you know who was:

* President of the largest steel company?
* President of the largest gas company?
* The greatest wheat speculator?
* President of the Bank of International Settlement?
* The Great Bear of Wall Street?
* President of the New York Stock Exchange?

These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least, they found the secret of making money.

Now almost 80 years later, do you know what became of these men?

* Charles Schwab, president of the largest steel company, died a pauper.
* Edward Hopson, president of the largest gas company, went insane.
* Arthur Cooger,the greatest wheat speculator, died abroad, penniless.
* Cosabee Livermore, president of the BIS, shot himself
* The Great Bear of Wall Street, committed suicide
* Richard Whitney, NYSE president released from prison to die at home

In that same year, 1923, Gene Sarazen won most of the important golf championships, including both the US Open and PGA Championship.
He played golf until he was 92 and died in 1999 at the age of 95...
and was financially solvent at his death.

Conclusion: Stop worrying about business and start playing more golf!

A very bad golfer is playing at new course and he is having a very bad day.
He is on the 18th hole, and he see's a lake.

He says to his caddy "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake".
The caddy says" I don't think you can, you can't keep your head down that long

Most golfers prepare for disaster.A good golfer prepares for success.

In my hand I hold a ball,
White and dimpled, rather small
Oh, how bland it does appear,
This harmless looking little sphere.

By its size I could not guess
The awesome strength it does possess;
But since I fell beneath its spell
I've wandered through the fires of Hell.

My life has not been quite the same
Since I chose to play this game.
It rules my mind for hours on end.
A fortune it has made me spend.

It has made me curse and cry.
I hate myself and want to die.
It promises a thing called "par".
If I can hit it straight and far.

To master such a tiny ball
Should not be very hard at all.
But my desires the ball refuses
And does exactly as it choses.

It hooks and slices..dribbles..dies
Or disappears before my eyes
Often it will have a whim
To hit a tree or take a swim.

With miles of grass on which to land
It finds a tiny patch of sand.
Then has me offering up my soul
If it will just drop in the hole.

It's made me whimper like a pup,
And swear that I will give it up
And take a drink to ease my sorrow.
But "The Ball" knows... I'll be back...tomorrow.

Top Ten Slogans for the New "Champions" Senior Tour

  • Prelude to Senility
  • You can beg all you want – we ain’t going away
  • The Gray, the Bald and the Saggy
  • Polyester on Parade
  • Guts and Butts

  • We’re Not Quite Vegetables
  • Twice the Pounds, Half the Talent
  • Calvacade of Codgers
  • We’re Not Bankrupt … Yet!
  • Geezers R Us

A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off.

Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.

Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup.

Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet.

Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills.

Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day.

When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter." Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks.

After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him.

He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet.
"What happened?" His friend inquired.

An obviously tipsy Dave replayed "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one.

Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!"

Excuses For When You Must Play Golf!

*A free round of golf was included with lessons.
*A free round of golf was thrown in for test driving the car.
*After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf.
*All the executives from my company play this course.
*All the pin placements are forward today.
*Church was cancelled because of all the snow, so I'm going golfing. *Drinking beer and golfing is just fun.
*Excuse? I don't need no stinking excuse!

*There's free beer at the turn.
*Frustration is a rush. I can only get that on a golf course
*Golf brings out my best competitive nature.
*Golf fills the long void of the weekend until work starts again.
*Golf teaches me patience, and I need a lesson.
*History dictates the more I play, the better I get.
*I almost broke 90 last time out. I need to keep trying.
*I always meet interesting people on the course.
*Golf is the only place I can take my girlfriend where she can't talk constanlty I always play well when it rains.
* I am almost 50; I need to practice for the senior circuit.
* I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today
* I am required to golf for work; I love my job.
* I am sick of playing golf on my computer and I want to play for real.
* I am useless at work unless I golf twice a week.
* I need to try out my new double titanium krypton driver
* I bought a golf cart at a rummage sale.

* I bought a whole new golf wardrobe.
* I bought those new golf contact lenses, guaranteed to cut 5 strokes
* I can expense it for business purposes.
* I can finally keep my driver in the fairway.
* I can finally play under pressure, so I can start betting again.
* I can get some lawn care tips from the ground maintenance crew
* I can pass gas, and no one is the wiser.
* I can shoot par on the computer version now I want to try it for real
* I finally got a set of brand clubs. I want to see if I can break 120! I golf at the outings, hoping to win the car.
* I golf every day that ends in a 'y'.
* I got a gift certificate for a free round of golf for my birthday.
* I got a new beer coolie. I have to try it out on the course.
* I got a new pair of knickers.
* I got a super deal on a golf package.
* I got kicked out of G.A. (Golfers Anonymous)
* I got lost going to work and ended up at the golf course.

* I got my new handicap card and want to show the guys at the club.
* I got new license plates for my golf cart. I've got to check them out.
* I got the hots for the beer girl.
* I got those new golf balls that fly 'too far'; I have to try them out.
* I had a dream last night telling me to go golfing.
* I had a new soft-spikes put on my golf shoes.
* I had a sunroof put in on my golf cart. I need to try it out.
* I had back surgery yesterday. I need to see if it helped!
* I had to join the course so my wife could make some friends had to make a sales call at the course anyway.
* I hate Nascar, and that's all that's on TV.
* I have a few hours to kill before the M.A.S.H reruns start.
* I have a meeting at the course, so I might as well go golfing.
* I have a rain check from yesterday.
* I have a scramble next week. I need the practice.
* I have an opportunity to play with the three best players at the club.
* I have been on a plane all day; I just really need some fresh air.

* I practiced putting on my carpet; now I want to see if it pays off.
* I have been taking anger counseling for my golf game.
* I have been taking golf vitamins to hit the ball an extra 10 yards.
* I watched the golf channel for 48 hours straight. I am psyched up.
* I have never birdied a #1 handicap hole.
* I have never eagled a hole before and I feel lucky.
* I have never played a canyon course before.
* I have never played bent grass before. I have not played since last summer.
* I have only played that course on my computer.
* I have some money from my company's profit sharing.
* I have spent a lot of time practicing; I want to see how I do.
* I have to get used to my new putter.
* I have to golf as much as possible. We only golf 4 months in Alaska
* I have to golf, it's a guy thing
* I have to keep trying to get a hole in one!

* I have to make sure my back stays loose.
* I have to pay the club dues, I might as well get my money out of it.
* I have to pick up a club I left at the course yesterday.
* I have to see how my new lesson worked out.
* I have to see if I eliminated my slice.
* I have to see if my new sunglasses help me read the greens better
* I have to see if these new golf balls will float.
* I have to teach my son-in-law how to golf.
* I have to test this new allergy medicine on the course.
* I have to take my wife golfing at least once a year, it's in the pre-nuptialI have to try out this new hat.
* I haven't played the course in ten years since I moved away.
* I heard a new sand trap was added to #4.
* I heard golf is much easier when you're sober, so I have to try it.
* I heard the course is flat - I always play well on flat courses.
* I heard they cut the greens again. I have to try them out.
* I heard they got rid of the port-o-potty at the turn.
* I have to crown the new bathroom.
* I just bought a box of titanium golf balls.
* I just bought a new golf glove off the web.
* I just bought a pair of waterproof shoes with slip-proof soft-spikes
* I just bought a putter guaranteed to cut 10 strokes off my round
* I just bought some slice-proof tees.
* I just bought winter golf gloves. I want to see how they work.
* I just enjoy having a cup of coffee while waiting on the tee box
* I just finished a lesson on the Internet; I want to see if I improved.
* I just finished the book titled 'Learn to Golf in Twenty Minutes'.
* I just got a new distance finder

Golf appeals to the child in all of us. This is proven by our frequent inabilty to count past the number 5.

It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not
choosy about which fairway.

If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone
would play better.

The greatest sound in golf is the Wosh, Wosh, Wosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway

Jimmy was not having a good day on the golf course.

After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.

"It's the wife" said Jimmy.
"As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing,
she's cut my sex down to once a week."

"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner.

"She's cut some of us out altogether!"

Top Ten Signs You’ll Never Break 100

  • The starter sees you coming and quickly puts out a sign that says No Swing, No Clue, No Service.
  • You’ve never shot your age but you have shot your cholesterol count.
  • Your idea of an athlete is John Daly downing a frosty tall one with a cigarette dangling off his lip.
  • You refuse to post a score until Florida does a hand recount of each hole.
  • Your name is Tripp Bogart, but you’re better known as Triple Bogey.
  • The only eagle you ever had was confiscated by a Fish and Game official.
  • Every year you attend the Million Mulligan Man March.
  • You’d much rather break 100 hymens.
  • Instead of practicing, you buy magic birdie beans from a gypsy woman.
  • After 18 holes, your buddy wants to play another round but you’d rather cuddle.

10 Interesting Golf Facts

1. 125,000 golf balls a year are hit into the water at the famous 17th hole of the Stadium Course at Sawgrass.

2. The longest drive ever is 515 yards. The longest putt ever is a monstrous 375 feet.

3. Phil Mickelson, who plays left-handed, is actually right handed. He learned to play golf by mirroring his father's golf swing, and he has used left handed golf clubs ever since.

4. The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million.

5. Tiger Woods snagged his first ace at the tender age of eight.

6. Balls travel significantly further on hot days. A golfer swinging a club at around 100 mph will carry the driver up to eight yards longer for each increase in air temperature of 25? F.

7. The longest golf course in the world is the par 77 International Golf Club in Massachusetts which measures a fearsome 8325 yards.

8. The highest golf course in the world is the Tactu Golf Club in Morococha, Peru, which sits 14,335 feet above sea level at its lowest point.

9. The longest golf hole in the world is the 7th hole (par 7) of the Sano Course at the Satsuki Golf Club in Japan. It measures an incredible 909 yards.

10. The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the 585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey.

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
From David Letterman's Late Night Show

  • A below par performance is considered good.
  • You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
  • You can still make money doing it as a senior.
  • It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
  • Foursomes are encouraged.
  • Three times a day is possible.
  • Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
  • If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
  • You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
  • If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
He'd sliced his drive and watched resignedly as the ball plummeted into the woods. He followed after and found his ball...surrounded by thick undergrowth and wedged firmly between two tree roots.

He contemplated the situation for a few profoundly silent minutes then turned to his caddie and asked

"You know what shot I'm going to take here."

"Yes, sir," replied the caddie as he took a hip flask of malt from the bag.

Your a golfaholic if...

You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when a more realistic goal would be to shoot your weight!
  • You know there's more to life than golf, but your'e not interested in finding out what it is!
  • You quit the game forever, twice a month!
  • You buy every new golf gizmo that comes out!
  • You think you're skillful and everybody else is lucky!
  • You miss the ball, but still think it was a great swing!
  • The new clubs you just bough cost more than your mortgage and car payment combined!
  • You can't break a 100 but still think you could give Tiger a few tips!

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and he made a hole-in-one.

With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me weeny a bit larger"

"Wish granted." says the leprechaun, as he skips away.

Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts.
He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again.

After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one.

Again the leprechaun offered any wish.

The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer

Father O'Malley was playing golf with a parishioner.

On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Father O'Malley's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"

He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!"

By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover."

The Father replied "It's the biggest dam I know."

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever.

He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife,
"Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "You've been out golfing all day!
Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

Rule Amendments

A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

  • A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in the scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from a nice tuft of grass.

  • There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

  • If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

  • Same thing for a ball that stops on the brink of the hole and hangs there defying gravity. You cannot defy the law. Same thing goes for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the law of physics.

  • A putt that stops close enough to inspire such comments as "You can blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

David Feherty is a Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining /describing whatever is on his mind

“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”

“I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”

“They don’t do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It ’s like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head.”

“Fortunately, he (Rory McIlroy) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”

Jim Furyk’s swing - “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

"That's a great shot, with that swing."

"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."

At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day
like this would be to play a round of golf."

"That was a great shot - if they had put the pin there today."

"Everything moves except his bowels."

"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."

"That green appears smaller than a pygmie's nipple".

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level,
so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up
and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled
out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and
took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a very bad golfer."

Golf Defined

  • Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured
    by the occasional miracle.
  • "I wish I could play my normal game....just once."
  • Golf is harder than baseball, in golf you have to play your foul balls.
  • If you do find that you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble.
  • Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot, rarely make the perfect shot.

  • The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul-it-again."
  • A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well.
  • An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
  • Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
  • I play in the low 80's. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.

  • If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might want to reconsider this game.
  • Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it.
  • Golf is the only sport where your most feared opponent is you.
  • Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work....and both are expensive.
  • The best wood in most golfer's bags is the pencil.

  • To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
  • In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers...they shoot a "six", yell "fore" and write "five".
  • Swing easy. Hit hard.
  • Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
  • Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

Top Ten Signs You're Too Old
For the Senior Tour

  • When you take off your golf shoe, you notice a tag around your toe.
  • Your foursome tells you to be quiet but it's just your bones creaking
  • You need a cart just to get to your car
  • One of your competitors loses his ball in your prodigious ear hair.
  • Every time you swing, the waistband on your knickers chafes your nipples.
  • You have 3 walking speeds: doddering, shuffling and wobbling.
  • You strain your groin area just telling a joke.
  • Your golf ball: 384 dimples. You: 384 liver spots.
  • You have only two groupies – Carol Channing and Kate Hepburn.
  • Good news: You make it into the Golf Hall of Fame. Bad news: it’s posthumous.

Caddy Quips

I was lying ten and had a 35' putt.
I whispered over by shoulder to my caddy, "How does this one break?"

He replied, "Who cares!''

It's the greatest line from a caddy I've ever heard.

The forty-something business executive..and avid golfer, was browsing the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting ad from an attractive lady living in the same town he did.

The ad read as follows...

Slim, attractive, buxom blonde, 5'6" 125 lbs. successful in business, happy in life, no children (or desire to have them), enjoys traveling, pampering her man and the finer things in life. Seeks similar qualities in
a partner for long term relationship.


"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife.
"Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," snapped Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive...that would be a gimme putt."

The older I get, the better I used to be.

The three things an aging golfer loses ...his nerve, his memory and I can't remember the third thing.

I'm going to die in a tournament on the golf course, they'll just throw me
in a bunker and build it up a little

A nice thing about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and a cooler.
If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic.

More Big Shooter Quotes

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook.
If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think
music comes out of a bagpipe.

A gimme is an agreement between two guys who can't putt.

Half of golf is fun. The other half is putting.

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt

If God didn't want man to have mulligans, balls wouldn't come
three to a sleeve.

All I've got against golf is that it takes you too far from the clubhouse.

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing National Forests golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Pro Shop Calls

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy
a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow
between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls
and said they stole them from your driving range.
Would you like to buy them back?

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.
"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.
Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence,
I surprise him, grab hold of it and say,

'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of is buddies to complete a foursome.

His buddies ask him if is friend can play,Dick says that he is very good.

This guy hits the ball on the first hole in the bush, so his buddies look at him and said you said your friend was a good golfer.

Dick says yes, watch him play.

They see the ball come out of the bush on the green this guy takes two putts and makes is par.

On the second hole par 3, this guy hits the ball in the lake, the two buddies looks at Dick again and say "you said this guy was good"

Dick replies that this guy was a great player.

So he walks in the the lake, 3 minutes later and they can't see the guy.

All of a sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they tell Dick to dive in the lake to go get your friend, he's drowning.

Dick replies "No, that means he wants a 5 iron".

An American guy travels to Japan on business.

After 3 days of intense meetings, he is exhausted. After work, he decides to go out and get some dinner and maybe have a few drinks.

Well, after a few beers and some Sake, he's feeling a little frisky. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks, he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action.

They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin- Wa! Shin-Wa!"

The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room.

The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it!
The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!

The CEO turns to him and says, "What you mean, wrong hole?"

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a fortune on that bird.
"What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....! But there's electricity at the house!

What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."
"Your wife's, Senor...she showed up one night out of the blue and thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud.

Almost feel like a hybrid..

Golf Is...

If you want to take long walks, take long walks
If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick.

But there's no excuse for combining the two and puting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns

Top Ten Things to Say About
A 3-Foot Putt

  • I see Clinton has one more intern to entertain
  • You still have to book him, Dano.
  • Nice bottle of tequila. Now eat the worm.
  • You gonna bury that bone?
  • You paid the hooker, now pay the pimp.
  • Finish your six-pack, Mr. Daly.
  • I can’t hear the fat lady singing.
  • Don’t forget to squeeze out the last few drops.
  • Still some meat left on that bone.
  • Not so forgot to cuddle.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!".
My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day;
I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"
"Speed it up a little, I'm in the foursome behind you!"

Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf buddies
His buddies ask him if his friend can play golf and Dick replies,
"He's very good"

The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer!"

Dick says,"Just watch him play."

They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy takes two putts and makes an easy par.

On the second hole par-3, he hits the ball into the lake.The two buddies look at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good"

Dick replies, "Just watch, he's a great player .

The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. sudden they see a hand come out of the water, they tell Dick to dive into the lake to save his friend, because he's drowning,

Dick replies "No... that just means he wants a 5 iron".

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde.

She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask, "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

Do you know that...

When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker,
His throat gets dry and he goes weak in the knees.
And he begins to think irrationally..

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a a new golf bag

10 More Facts

10. The largest bunker in the world is Hell's Half Acre on the 585-yard 7th hole of the Pine Valley Course in New Jersey.

11. The largest golfing green is that of the 695-yard, 5th hole, a par 6 at the International Golf Club in Massachusetts, with an area in excess of 28,000 square feet.

12. The driver swing speed of an average lady golfer is 62 mph; 96 mph for an average LPGA professional; 84 mph for an average male golfer; 108 mph for an average PGA Tour player; 130 mph for Tiger Woods;
148-152 mph for a national long drive champion.

13. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

14. The first golf balls were made of thin leather stuffed with feathers. Tightly-packed feathers made balls that flew the farthest.
Feather balls were used until 1848.

15. The youngest golfer to shoot a hole-in-one was Coby Orr, who was five years old at the time. It happened in Littleton, Colorado, in 1975.

16. 22.8% of golfers are women.

17. Golf was banned in Scotland from 1457 to 1502 to ensure citizens wouldn't waste time when preparing for an English invasion.

18. The term birdie comes from an American named Ab Smith. While playing at the Atlantic City Golf Club in 1899, he played what he described as a "bird of a shot", which became "birdie" over time.

19. The word golf does not mean "Gentleman Only, Ladies Forbidden". This is an internet myth. It is thought the word golf comes from the Dutch word "kolf" or "kolve", meaning "club". Historians believe this was passed on to the Scottish, whose own dialect changed this to "golve," "gowl" or "gouf". By the sixteenth century, this had evolved into the word we know today.

20. Don't feel bad about your high handicap -80% of all golfers will never achieve a handicap of less than 18.

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a rage, listing every problem they had in the last 15 years they've been married, and she goes on and on and on.

Finally the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week, can you do that "?

The husband says " I can bring her in Monday and Friday's, but on Wednesday's, I play golf!

Top Ten Euphemisms For Sneaking Out To Play Golf

  • I’m going to get some more greens in my diet.
  • The military needs me to test some bunker busters.
  • It’s time I got a grip on life.
  • I have to attend a seminar on anger management.
  • I need some R&R with Mr. Tee, ASAP.
  • I’m on a search for the missing links.
  • I have a ball to attend.
  • I’m going to get a shot of Vitamin G.
  • I’ll be taking Mr. Woods for a drive in the country.
  • I have to see a man about a dogleg.

A couple of elderly gents were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said.

"Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was playing yesterday when the fellow on the 9th hole hooked
a shot," he said.

"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin....
and that was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Jimmy Demaret and I had the best sports psychologist in the world. His name was Jack Daniels and he was waiting for us after every round

Golf Truisms

  • Golf balls are like eggs . they're white. They're sold by the dozen ...
    and a week later you have to buy more.
  • A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income
    of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
  • It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace
    his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
  • When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier
    to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard?
  • Golf is by far the ultimate love / hate relationship. Sometimes it seems
    as though your cup runneth and moveth over.
  • It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other
    hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer eat hot dogs and
    fart while performing brain surgery.
  • A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving
    up the game.
  • Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either.
  • Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up
    praying a lot.
  • A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.
  • That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
  • If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
  • If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven,
    he probably shot an eight.
  • You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway!
    A sweatshirt will do just fine!
The devil was holding a meeting with all the little demons.

He stood up and said, "Well you poor useless lot of sissies, there is too much good in the world. You are all time wasters and you make me sick., You came to hell to help make man's life a misery. Instead you wasting your time playing silly games. So what are you going to do about it?"

Well, just then a small devil quite new to the job and very timid, sheepishly said, "O'Lord of great darkness. I know I'm not as powerful as you but may I make a suggestion? It seems to me if we could build them up and knock them down, the pain would be so great that we will soon gain control."

Just as he said that a more experienced demon said, "You mean golf?"

The devil himself interrupts saying, "Steady on old man, we don't want to finish them off that quick."
Here's a slice of golf history you might enjoy.

Why do full-length golf courses have 18 holes, and not 20, 10 or an even dozen?

During a discussion among the membership board at St. Andrews Golf Club in 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18 holes to polish off a fifth of Scotch.

By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out...

It's a heck of a lot harder to stay on top than it is to get there. - Tom Kite

Nothing goes down slower than a golfers' handicap. - Bobby Nichols

You know it is too wet to golf when your cart capsizes. - Anonymous

The reason The Road hole at St Andrews is the most difficult par 4 in the world is that it was designed as a par 6. -Ben Crenshaw-

I lost a ball in the rough today. I dropped another ball over my shoulder and lost it too. And while looking for that one, I lost my caddie.
-Jock Hutchinson on the 1926 US Open course conditions -

If I ever reach a par 5 in two, they change it to a par 4. -Fred Funk-

Golfers just love punishment. And that's where I come in.

For months the archaeologists had been toiling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from faint traces of a Lost City.

Their excitement mounted as the place's extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards.

It had to be…a golf course!

Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of sculptures and paintings of human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

The next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club of the Lost City. And yes, it was soon learned that the tribes did have legends of the Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy.

While watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter,a Professor murmured wistfully, "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery".

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied.

"Simple", was the translation, "they could not afford the green fees.”
One day a golfer brought his regular golfing buddies together, and gave them each $50,000 cash and instructed them that upon his death, they were to throw it into the coffin, because he wanted to take it with him.

As luck would have it, he died soon after. When the funeral was over, his buddies met.
The doctor in the group said "I have a confession to make. I put in an empty envelope and I used the money to buy equipment for the free clinic."
The priest said "Me too, only I used the money to help build the youth center."

Somewhat shocked, the last member of the group, a lawyer, said
"I can't believe you guys went back on your word."

They asked him if he actually put the $50,000 in the coffin.
He replied "I most certainly did....with my very own personal check."

The Latest Golf "How To's"

  • How to line up your fourth putt
  • How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titelist from the tee.
  • How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.
  • How to get more distance off the shank.
  • How to use your shadow on the greens to maximize earnings.
  • How to handle crying over poor shots
  • How to rationalize a 7 hour round.
  • How to find that ball that everyone saw go in the water.
  • How to relax when you're hitting five off the tee.
  • When to suggest swing corrections to your opponent.
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. He took another mighty swing with his 3-wood and the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him on the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

And he replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"
In the 16th century, most everything was transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizer, so largeshipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because it weighedless but once water hit it, fermentation began which produced methane gasas a by-product.
The manure was stored in bundles below deck and once wet with sea water, methane began to build up.

The first time someone came below at night with a lantern.... BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what had happened. Afterwards, the bundles of manure were stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" which directed the crew to stow it in the upper decks so that any water that came into the hold would not reach this volatile cargo and produce the explosive gas.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is still in use today. You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term
Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I ever played."
Caddie: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that over an hour ago"

Golfer: "Well, I've never played this badly before"
Caddie: "I didn't realize that you had played before, sir"

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It is annoying." Caddie: "This isn't a watch, sir. It is a compass."
man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness,this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."


THOU SHALT NOT covet thy neighbors putter.
THOU SHALT NOT pick up lost balls before they stop rolling.
THOU SHALT NOT wager with those who carry a one-iron.
THOU SHALT NOT play "inside the leather" with a 52" putter.
THOU SHALT NOT build thy house of handicap with sand bags. THOU SHALT NOT worship St. Mulligan, except on the 1st tee. THOU SHALT NOT imitate a stunt driver in a golf cart.
THOU SHALL yell "Fore!" before the body hits the ground.
THOU SHALL restrict profanity on the course to three putting or worse. THOU SHALL throw thy clubs in non-lethal directions.

Top Ten Signs It’s Too Cold for Golf

  • Even with Mr. Rogers and Martha Stewart in your group, you still don’t feel warm and fuzzy
  • You have to wear the visor with the plaid, woolen ear flaps.
  • Your hands feel warmer when they touch a witch’s breast.
  • Your cart sinks when it hits an iceberg.
  • It’s hard to read a putt with Tammy Faye Baker icicles on your eyelashes.
  • It drops below the temperature of an IRS agent’s heart.
  • When you fell through the ice, you realized taking a divot on a frozen pond wasn’t such a hot idea.
  • You’re trapped by snow in the course’s restaurant, ominously named the Donner Party Grill.
  • The greens are groomed by a Zamboni.
  • Your balls are blue.

Dick brings a friend to play golf with two of his regular golf buddies.
His buddies ask him if his new friend can play golf and Dick replies,
"He's very good"

The new guy hits his first tee shot into the bush, so his buddies look at Dick and say, "You said your friend was a good golfer!"

Dick says,"Just watch him play."

They see the ball fly out of the bush onto the green where the new guy
takes two putts and makes an easy par.

On the second hole par-3, he hits the ball into the lake. The two buddies look at Dick again and say "You said this guy was good"

Dick replies, "Just watch, he's a great player."

The new guy walks right into the lake after his ball. Three minutes pass and there's no sign of him. Suddenly, an outstetched hand comes out of the water and Dick's buddies tell him to dive in to save his drowning friend.

Dick replies "You don't understand, that just means he wants a 5 iron".

Lady Luck was seldom kind to Sam.
Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck.

He loved poker but poker did not love him; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low.
His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups.

His greatest delight was his golf game.

Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive.

Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.

Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes.

It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds
Golf: A 5 mile walk punctuated with disappointments

An unfamiliar tract of closely mowed grass running from the tee to the green. Your ball is usually found immediately to the left or right of it

An easy par-3

Practice Tee:
A place where golfers go to convert a nasty hook into a wicked slice

Mulligan: Invented by an Irishman who wanted to hit one more 20-yard grounder

A young man and a priest are playing together.

At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

Fore!" is not an excuse.
"So what?" is not an apology, and
"Up yours" is not an explanation.

Mac and Jimmy decided to get together one morning and play a round.

Mac brought along his little black puppy. When Mac sank a twelve foot putt on the first hole, the puppy stood on his hind legs and began to dance, jump and bark.

Jimmy said, "That's great, what does he do when you miss the putt?"
Mac said, "He does somersaults."

When Jimmy asked how many somersaults, Mac replied;
"That depends on how hard I kick him."

When I'm on the golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron.

You don't know what pressure is until you've played for five dollars a
hole with only two dollars in your pocket.

Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.

Golf is the most fun I've had with my clothes on.

I am not saying my game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they would come up sliced.

My family was so poor they couldn't afford to have kids.
So the lady next door had me

One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart
and a cooler. And If your game is not going well, you can always have
a picnic

Two golfers join up at the first tee and each explains that due to a psychological problem, they play slightly differently than most golfers.

The soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed a game of golf using an imaginary golf ball to reduce stress. And so they tee off with their imaginary balls.

After a day of splitting fairways and hitting nothing less then eagles, birdies and pars, they reach the 18th hole.. The first one indicates because they are equal in their score that he should hit first. So he tees off with his imaginary ball.
"Look at that, a beautiful shot just on the edge of the green"
The second guy hits his imaginary ball and indicates that it has also landed on the edge next to the other ball. The first guy lines up and drains his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup.

"You wouldn't believe it, my ball just rolled into the cup, I win."
The second guy responds, "You won't believe it either, you just hit my ball."

Top Ten Signs You’re Choking

  • Beads of sweat are breaking out on your tongue.
  • You’re panting like Rush Limbaugh rolling a boulder up Mt. Everest.
  • In a past life, you were a wildebeest with its windpipe clamped in a lion’s mouth.
  • Your face is redder than a baboon’s butt.
  • Your eyeballs are bulging like Marty Feldman in King Kong's death grip.
  • You’ve got all the mellowness of a hypertensive hummingbird crossed with a jackhammer.
  • Crack junkies tell you to lighten up – you’re making them look bad.
  • Between you and 101 Dalmations, you’re the one peeing more.
  • You’re trembling like Robert Downey Jr. with a cop in his rear-view mirror.
  • Before each shot, your caddy gives you the Heimlich.
James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after
18 holes they went into the clubhouse.

James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game?"

The pro replied: "You should shortened your clubs by 1 inch."

James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.
To which the pro said, " No! It will help them fit in the trash can!"
In his prime, Seve Ballesteros was a very aggressive player knowing that he could take uncanny risks because of his incredible short game.

He was an phenomenal putter.

One time when asked by a writer to translate "lag putt" into Spanish,
he thought for several moments then asked,

"What is a lag putt?"
John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club.
Niether man trusted the other's arithmetic.

One day they were playing a heated match and watching each other like hawks. After holing out on the fourth green and marking his six on the scorecard, John asked Bob,"What'd you have?

Bob went through the motions of mentally counting up. "Six!" he said and then hastily corrected himself,.

" No, no....a five."

Calmly John marked the scorecard, saying out loud "Eight!" "Eight?" Bob said, "I couldn't have had eight." John said,

"Nope, you claimed six, then changed it to five, but actually you had seven."

"Then why did you mark down eight?" asked Bob.

John told him, "One stroke penalty, for improving your lie."
Golf is also a game of math.

This formula will help your game, D=nxP2.

This formula illustrates the odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching
For most of the round the golfer had argued with his caddy about club selection, but the caddy always prevailed.

Finally on the 17th hole, a 185-yard par three into the wind, the caddy handed the golfer a 4-wood and the golfer reacted.

"I think it's a 3-iron," said the golfer.
"No, sir it's a 4-wood," said the caddy.
"Nope, it's definitely a 3-iron."

So the golfer set up, took the 3-iron back slowly, and struck the ball perfectly. It tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the green, and rolled up two feet short of the pin.

"See," said the caddy. "I told you it wasn't enough club."
Mac invited his friend Jimmy to play at his new club.

Since Jimmy had never played the course before, Mac pointed out the trouble spots and where to aim on the first hole.

Jimmy teed up, addressed the ball, took a couple of waggles and took a vicious swing. He hit a foot behind the ball, tore up the teebox and totally missed the ball. Unphased he stepped back, took a couple practice swings and again addressed his ball.

This time his swing missed everything.

He stepped back from his ball again, looked at Mac and said,
"Boy, this is really a tough course!"

Among the more interesting rules at Willie Nelson personal Golf Club in Austin, Texas is that no more than 12 people are allowed in each foursome.

And there is no such thing as a lost ball, because sooner or later someone is going to find it.

Ten Differences Between Golf
And Other Sports

  • Unlike baseball, players don’t readjust their testicles before each swing.
  • Unlike boxing, players don’t chomp on each others ears or punch them in the groin.
  • Unlike tennis, players don’t grunt like Cro Magnon men with each effort.
  • Unlike basketball, players don’t elbow each other in the ribs for better position.
  • Unlike auto racing, spectators don’t have to breathe noxious fumes or be forced to listen to "The Achy Breaky Song" on the loud speaker.

  • Unlike soccer, the fans don’t spit on or trample each other to death if their favorite team loses.
  • Unlike bowling, no one knows your shoe size.
  • Unlike polo, players don’t need to be smug yuppie aristocratic inbred dweebs.
  • Unlike football, players don’t tell the ref to do a physically impossible act to himself.
  • Unlike wrestling, spectators have all their teeth.

Jimmy had been playing for twenty years but never had a hole-in-one.

As he was blasting away in a sandtrap one day and he voiced the thought. "I'd give anything to get a hole-in-one."

"Anything?" came a voice from behind. Jimmy turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with horns and a tail.
"What did you have in mind?" Jimmy asked.
"Would you give up half your sex life?"asked the devilish figure.
"Yes, Yes I would." Jimmy replied.
"It's a deal then." and the figure faded from sight.

On the very next hole he did it!
The ball soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole for his first ever hole-in-one. And amazingly, he aced every other hole that he played the rest of the day!

At the end of the round, the figure in red appeared again. "Now for our bargain," he said. "You remember you must give up half your sex life."
Jimmy frowned. "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said.

"You're not backing out of this," cried the figure. "We struck a bargain and you agreed to it."

"Yes, of course. But I do have a problem.Which half of my sex life do you want ... the thinking or the dreaming?"
Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.

The golf swing is like sex. You can't be thinking about the mechanics of the act while you are performing.

My game is so bad I gotta hire three caddies. One to walk the left rough. One for the right and one for the middle. And the one in the middle doesn't have much to do.
A group of golfers were putting on the green when suddenly a ball
dropped in their midst.

One of the party winked at the others and kicked the ball into the hole.

Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green quite out of breath and red of face.

He looked round distractedly and asked: "Seen my ball?"

"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with a straight face.

The fat one looked at him unbelievingly.

Then he walked to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see.

Then he turned, ran down the fairway and as he neared his partner the group on the green heard him shout:

"Hey, Sam, I got an eleven."






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